hi i’m back!

Hi everyone!

I’m back. Back from the dead, heh just kidding. Where am i? Where did I just disappear? It must be interesting isnt it if anyone actually wonders.

It has been almost a year since I last updated my blog. Two days ago, I was scrolling my blog & I was like “Hey i should write something here.” And here I am, writing something on this blank page while my lecturer is talking in front. 

I don't know where to begin. Last year I was depressed &; devastated that I didn't get to further my degree. I guess you all know that already. (Yeah right, Adnin! Who would read this). But here I am now...Still depressed and devastated but in a new place!!!!! Yeay, are you guys excited as I am?

So....i'm currently furthering my study at Uitm Puncak Alam for Bachelor in International Business. I mean like, who would have thought I would take this course right? Straight to the point, I am startruck with this place. I mean like, I am already in third semester, but I love everything about this place. Wait till i update you about my crush. It wouldn't be in this post for sho.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I need to tell you guys that I'm not sad anymore for not being able to further my study but I'm sad about something else!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which also I will update later.

Goodbye adios xxxxxx

These past few months have been toxic!

Hello guys,what's up!

I haven't posted anything here for merely 4 months. I miss writing, I really do. I'm not busy or anything is just that I dont know what to share. I have so many things to talk about but I'm scared if I open up too much I will end up saying things I will regret later. You know what I mean right?

There's nothing new about me. I'm still that silly pathetic girl who has been doing nothing good with my life. I swear I am. So many shitty things happened for these past few months, that I felt my depression and anxiety got worsen. I think too much & when I cannot handle it, I'm having my break down moments. 

So lets talk about my university admission. For your information, its almost a year since I'm done with my diploma. I heard a lot of people talking "Why I haven't continued my degree yet?" and bla bla bla. So first thing first, I have to say that I didnt get accepted to any universities at the moment because I accidentally requested for the wrong universities instead of my own, bla bla bla cut the story short, I went to UiTM for appeal & they said that I have to request for the next intake. I also got an offer to study Operational Management at UITM Dungun. Apparently, I rejected the offer. Most people think that I made a stupid decision but I think its for my own good.

Reason why I rejected that offer because

1) Mum & dad are currently away, they were performing haji at Mecca so I was left to take care of my brother who actually just finished his UPSR. 

2) The course is my last resort. So when I went to the HEP at UITM Shah Alam for appeal, the person who worked there adviced me that its better if I wait for the next intake & apply for the course that I really want since I am eligible for the course. But since I made a mistake for filling the form wrongly, I didn't received any place in UITM.

To be honest, I really thought about this matter very deeply. I also asked for my sister opinion, and she also asked me to wait for the next intake. It was indeed shitty at that moment, but when I rethink about it, I felt like there is something good waiting for me. I dont know what it is, but I feel that something good is waiting for me.

If you like someone, do you confess to them or keep them to yourself?

MASALAH MASALAH MASALAH

I've been facing this situation sejak I sekolah menengah lagi. Nak bagitahu or tak Nak bagitahu or tak. I always question people : Should I tell him how I feel? What if I tell him but thing doesn't work out? What if he doesn't like me back? And what if things turn out awkward between us?

But you know what?
SCREW YOU. If your heart really want it, stop asking people opinion. Do what your heart decides to do.

Putting my thoughts part 2

If you can't be yourself in front of the people that you like, then what's the point right?

Putting my thoughts together.

Lately, I've been feeling quiet sad & anxious. There are a lot of things actually but I find myself trying to keep myself busy & not trying to think about it. Every day & now, I'm feeling pretty okay but I feel something missing. Like something is not there.

Surviving mental breakdown.

Before you guys go any further, I would like to highlight one thing. For those who doesn't know what mental breakdown is :

"Mental breakdown (also known as a nervous breakdown) is a general term for an acute, time-limited psychiatric disorder that manifests primarily as severe stress-induced depression, anxiety, or dissociation in a previously functional individual, to the extent that they are no longer able to function on a day-to-day".

 I hope this clears the air.

So its been a rough couple of weeks for me. So many things on my mind. The guilt, the anxiety, the burden, fragile and all that stuff. And there were also days where I'm feeling completely happy & at ease. But usually, it doesn't last longer.

To be honest, so many things I tried to do, in order to keep my mind on sane. But there were the days, that I couldn't stopped myself from overthinking and leads my self to panic disorder. That was the moment where I want to avoid going out from my room because I'm scared people would say something they gonna hurt me & I hurt people feelings.

I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my mum last night. I dont usually talked with my mum because we both always have different opinions regardless everything. But somehow, last night I accompanied her while she was finishing her work. We talked about my past. What that really bothers me to the point where it brings me into this position. So many things I told her last night, something that I only tell my best friends about it. We talked about what made me failed in my study, why I'm having a social anxiety. And that alone lead to one thing : my mental health issue.

And I dont want people to think that I'm a crazy person because I'm not. The thing about people who's going through depression is that when they feel something, they feel it so deeply. When a depressed person, trying to talk about what's bothering them to non-depressed person, the non depressed will never understand. Unless they experienced the same way.

After the late night talk with my mum, I finally understand the main parasite in my life issue is that I need improve my mental health. So how is that? Its not easy I'm telling you. Its a long process but somehow I have to try. I told my mum last night "I'm 21 years old this year and my life is so messed up. When I'm 40 or 50 years old, I dont want to remember how messed up my life. I want to remember the great things that happened to my life."

I'm willing to gamble into this game.
I'm willing to change my life perspective.
Because I wanna live a normal life again.
I miss being happy.
I really miss the old me

Indescribable feeling.

I know I always spilled stuff that bothering me here in my blog. Some might think that its unnecessary to open up to the public. But I don't know, its probably my thing because I dont know to whom I should spilled the bean. I felt like my thoughts doesn't matter to people and I felt like I'm a troublesome. Hence, why I always wrote here in my blog.

These past few days, I felt something like wasn't right. As if I did something wrong, and I don't know what actually bothering me. Somehow, I feel like God is showing me a sign to do or accomplish something, but I'm not quiet there yet. I'm clueless.

Have your ever had those feelings?

I just wish that I finally realized whats been bothering me and I want to be a person with no regrets.