I am known as Doctor Love among my friends...which is quiet irony cause I never had any 'experience' in love or in relationship. (By the way, I find this quiet funny for me to blog about this because 5 years ago when I'm still writing as Whatsallycakap, I really need to be careful to choose my topic..oh well I'm 20 years old now.)
Quiet frankly, I never had been into relationship before and until now. A real relationship i'm talking about. Its not that I've never been in love. I've fallen in love to someone...who will never love me back but let's not talk about this right now. Honestly speaking, when people asked me about when I'm going to have a boyfriend, deep down in my heart I know that I'm scared. I'm scared of giving my heart to someone. I'm scared of getting attached to someone and I'm scared that he's gonna break my heart. I'm also scared if I couldn't controlled myself in front of him and gonna do something that will humiliated me. I'm just not really ready for that such 'commitment'.
But also,some parts of myself longing for a company. Basically, he do not have to buy me flowers. I really love to but he dont have to hassle himself because of that. Just be there for me everyday and I'm willing to do the same thing to him. Hear my crap stories what happened to me everyday and just be there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Basically, I wouldn't really like lean onto his shoulder because its a sin but you get what I mean right?
Because when you've grown up, you have your own specific details about your partners. But the problem is, is he, that person that you liked, will like you back? Based on my experiences, no.
I have some memories of me in high school, that I've dated someone for like a half day. Yeah, silly relationship you got me. It was incredibly stupid, and I have no idea how on earth I have agreed with him but still that was incredibly stupid. That guy, H was quiet pissed of with me because I asked a break from him on the same day. But I bet that guy was playing a fool too so yeah...''scuse me...'. I wish that was not out of desperation LOL cause that's gona humiliate the female race.
But there is this guy that I really like. At first it was just a 'like' but at the end, it turns out to be an admiration. A huge admiration. I took 3 goddamn years to move on. I don't know how I could possibly love someone that long when I know, he doesn't have any feelings to me. I learned for three long years,that he was just being nice to me. He just want to be friend with me and he actually, liked our classmates. I think that when you liked somebody, you started to create your own fantasies. Then, when he started being nice to you, you take it as something else. You called it hope. When actually, he was just wanna be friend with you and nothing else more than that.
I think maybe that is why I'm still single until now.I'm scared of getting my hopes up knowing for a fact that I'm gonna get my heart breaks again. At the age of 20, I'm still single. You gotta be kidding me right? But oh well, that's the truth that you need to grasp. I have to admit, sometimes I'm a bit lonely knowing that I don't have any close person to talk about my crappy days. And i'm also longing for someone to actually care about me. I just hope that one day, I will find somebody who worth all these waits.
